337 North Shore Drive
Pittsburgh, PA 15212
Today, I learned something.
Sam, contrary to some opinions, does not like everything he puts into his face.
Today, my bosses took me to the Rivertowne for a writer’s lunch. You know, free food is always nice. And I appreciate the chance to awkwardly communicate with people as much as the next guy.
I got there and poured over their huge menu. It’s a really nice place and I thought, “I would really like to take Nina here.” I looked through the menu and said, “A one pound reuben? I have to take Nina here.”
I ate the food and thought, “Nina will kick me in the fucking face if I take her here.”
Desperately, I wanted a place that serves something called Yinzer Salad to be great.
We had three orders of boneless wings at our table. I would like to inform everyone that I now have the gout as my wings were so salty. Cajun Bourbon means “cover these with salt, dry seasoning and fennel seeds.” They burned inside me. They are burning inside me now. I have been drinking water all afternoon and my skin is now glittering like a vampire. That’s how bad the thirst within me is from these wings.
Various writers seated with me did not get their sauces or salads. One of my friends was brave and ordered the Seafood Mac ‘n Cheese, which is described as “a generous portion of sauteed shrimp, scallops and crabmeat tossed in a creamy four cheese sauce, topped with shredded parmesan and breadcrumbs and served with flatbread and a garden salad.” Mac ‘n Cheese is easy to make. It’s a comfort food. This was…an experiment in pre-vomit. I tried a bite and she was like, “Please, have more.” I politely declined. She sharply said, “No. Have more.”
I wanted this place to be magical. I wanted it to be a fun new place for us to go to. But it failed. It failed on a level that has made my feet hurt and now, I have the Rich Man’s Disease.
Nina has eaten at the other Rivertowne Inn and the food is good.